Why And How Do You Hate?

'Indeed indeed, I cannot tell,
Though I ponder on it well,
Which were easier to state,
All my love or all my hate.
— Henry David Thoreau

Of the list of things that I hate here are few of them: I hate fascism, I hate (hated) Osama bin Laden, I hate caste-ism, I hate racism, and I hate bullying. I like to believe that I hate them all so much that I would, if need be, fight against it. After all human evolution has allowed us the luxury of passionately disliking certain - for the lack of a better word- things and it would be a damn shame if we don't use this wonderful tool.

Hate has inspired poets, philosophers, artists, writers, thinkers and warriors for generations. All trying to figure out what it is, why it exists, and what we can do with it? Often used as an encompassing synonym for other negative emotion and commonly thought of as an appropriate antonym of another misunderstood emotion: love, it comes off as a villainous activity to indulge in.

Phrases such as: 'don't hate', 'replace hatred with love', and even the more eloquent, 'Hatred paralyses life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.' by Dr. Martin Luther King make us feel better but unfairly simplifies the emotion. I believe, like psychiatrist and writer Kurt R. Eissler, that hated, when used as a positive tool, can bring about necessary and welcome change. It was the hatred for whimsical dictatorships that ensured the Libyan's and Egyptian's rise against the decades long regimes of Gadaffi and Mubarak. It was the hatred of fascism that made young men and women from around the world fight against it in WW2. Such kind of hatred - constructive and essential- is what psychiatrist call noble hatred. Now imagine if all of us 'didn't hate' or "replaced hatred with love"

So, the problem with the emotion, it seems, is not the emotion itself but what that emotion is directed at. When hatred is misused and coupled with stereotyping and racism all hope for civility and respect fly out of the window. And in times of historic transformations respect and civility during dialogue regarding controversial topics is a must. As Nepal undergoes a transformation society must to talk maturely about important social and political issues without having to resort to angry racist allegations and calling each other hateful names.

As a reaction to real and perceived oppression, marginalized voices are finally speaking out. Instead of a stale singular narrative of what it means to be a Nepali and where we want to take this country, we now get multiple answers to some important questions. Issues of federalism, secularism, women rights, and the rights of 'indigenous' population must be discussed, and that they are being discussed is a welcome sign.

While these conversations have entered the national dialogue there is also a troubling trend of harmful bickering that doesn't help the situation. Case in point-the level of stupidity and racism at display on the internet in regards to controversial topics in Nepal. Take any political video clip on YouTube, scroll down to the comments section and start reading. You will find that there exists an amazing level of resentment in people for other people. Comfortably hidden in anonymity some people spew hate with such stylish idiocy and cowardice that their passion -genuine or not- comes off as ridiculous. The trouble with such venting is not the ineloquence of language but of thought.

However, hated of this kind is no laughing matter. The trouble with bad habits, Christopher Hitchen's wrote, is that they are mutually reinforcing. Hated mixed with stereotyping leads to anger. Demonizing people on the bases of ethnicity or race or caste is just a few steps away from using violence against them. Jews were demonized by the Nazi's and are demonized by Iran and racist TV shows in much of the Muslim world, the Muslims in turn are demonized by Hollywood movies and Zionist propaganda, the Pakistani's and the Indian demonize each other in movies; all of which help maintain hatred, which in turn comes in handy during times of war.

But why the hell, you might ask yourself, should I not hate those who have been mean to 'my people'? Why must the oppressed have to take the moral high ground?  While caught up in the struggle of everyday life, faced with historic oppression, and confronted with discrimination these thoughts surely arise. Well, take a step back and reason with yourself a moment. Ask yourself who 'they' are, do all of them do the same thing, and should all of them be held accountable, are all of 'your people' in the same boat as you, what is it that you hate- the sin or the sinners, and would you succumb so low as to do to them what you would not have done to you?

Hatred for people, solely on the bases of them being in a group is perhaps the dumbest thing one can do as a member of our intelligent species. Suppose for a moment someone hates, and distrusts you and everyone from your community because Mr. X who happens to be from the same ethnicity as you treated that someone unfairly. Would that make sense? Would that not infuriate you?

Without any prior knowledge of it, I was born in Bahun family, and therefore, I am a Bahun, but to think of me as only a Bahun or to use my eccentricities as an example of all the Bahuns makes no sense. You can dislike me (though, I like to think I am quite likeable but… that's a different story) or rather what I do, but you cannot extend that hatred for all Bahun or any other Bahun for that matter. Now replace the word Bahun with Limbu, or Rai, or Chetri, or Afro-American, or White, or Muslims, or Jew or German or Madhesi, or Newar or Ghanian, or Chinese or any other group and the statement till holds true.

An important question to ask at this point would be: How did our society get here? Weren't we the land of Never Ending Peace and Love? Or was that peace and calm only a surface level façade hiding deep rooted mutual distrust amongst communities? What are the reasons for such hatred? And what do we do about it? If discrimination and caste-ism are the issues then let's get serious and fight against it. No reason to dilly-dally in accusations and counter- accusations.  All this hatred if directed at the right thing can bring about positive change. Else this is a waste of time, and we all are fakes, pretending to be the solution while being the very heart of the problem.

It's easy to be loud and drown out other voices, it's also easy to say popular things and get applause, but it's far more difficult to say the truth and say it with logic and conviction. Unnatural levels of suspicion of the 'other' without knowing this 'other' does a disservice to you and the society you live in. Hate is a powerful emotion, and it's a tiring one. Reason with yourself before engaging in it. Further, if you find yourself hating someone, or something, or a group without reasoning check yourself. Call out others if their hatred gets in the way of finding a solution. Always be on the lookout.

So, dear reader, if you do decide to engage in dialogue, the choice is yours: you can either be a rational member of society engaging in meaningful conversation or you can spread hateful populism. If you choose the latter remember what W.H. Auden says "those to whom evil is done do evil in return." Hatred breeds hatred. In this fight between civility and unnatural stupidity it's imperative that you pick a side. What's yours?

A version of this article appeared in August issue of  WAVE Magazine

Benevolent Dictatorship: An Oxymoronic Idea

There exists a fascination with authoritarianism among many in Nepal’s civil society.  In its benign form the idea manifests as support for constitutional monarchy, and in its malignant variety as support for a “benevolent” dictatorship.

The adjective benign has been used to describe constitutional monarchy for two primary reasons: firstly, constitutional monarchy by its definition means restricted power; secondly, regardless of how much monarchists crib its revival rivals necromancy, hence I will not bother myself or the readers with it. The word malignant is used to describe “benevolent” dictatorship because the conviction that there exists such a thing and worse that such a system is desirable in Nepal is mind numbingly irresponsible, and worrisome, especially when uttered by liberal tongues.

Fanned by the incoherence of the current political drama, many are convinced that what Nepal really needs is a strong educated single ruler rather than the bickering of the many. Inefficiency and incompetent rule of law is what bothers them the most. They want to trade democratic discourse for swift action, and would compromise civil liberties for the good of the country. For them it doesn’t matter where this dictator comes from –the right, the left –as long as he (it’s almost always a he) works for the national interest. A Nepali version –if you may –of Singapore’s Lee Kyon Yew.

This is how their basic argument goes: since the democratically created Constituent Assembly failed miserably, Nepal, perhaps, is not ready for democracy. Thus we need a “vanguard” singular to shepherd us in the ways of democratic citizenry. But until that training is complete we must follow, without questioning too much, his pre-defined national interest which, other things remaining same, will usher in an era of stability, unity, peace, and growth. Since we are not ready for democracy, we must go back to living under a dictatorship till we are ready for democracy.

What’s interesting is none of them ever define what this much talked about national interest is, how it can be measured, or even if there exists a singular narrative of this national interest. Of course they also conveniently conceal the fact that their interests are aligned to what they believe to be the larger interest of all Nepalis. Most repulsive is their propensity to hold hard earned freedoms hostage for the imaginary efficiency of authoritarianism. And no evidence presented to preclude the rule of this chimerical overlord seems to damage their romance.

No dictatorship, benevolent or otherwise, comes waving the flag of repression.  All presume that they are working for the interest of the country.  The initial euphoria of the royal coup was quickly substituted by fear and arbitrary application of law. Hitler’s rhetoric of the revival of the lost Aryan purity, or the Ayatollah Khomeini’s Islamic Republic were not dangerous on their own, it’s when they attracted mass appeal, and subsequently legitimacy, that these ideas became dangerous. The vile Col. Gadaffi declared himself “brother leader” of Libya and lived a good chunk of his life pretending he was a savior of sorts and ensuring everyone else played along. And he did lead his country unchallenged, did he not? Guiding a former kingdom into becoming a "Jamahariya" - a state of the masses, punishing corrupt officials, redistributing oil wealth -albeit disproportionately, and rolling back Western influence; but to what sad end? Sad for the Libyan, of course.


Many liberals bugged by this savior mentality opposed Gyanendra Shah’s doomed attempt at governance, yet it seems they have a masochistic need to be told what to do. They would prefer they were directed by an educated and hopefully like minded person than involve themselves in the dirty task of public discourse and democratic citizenry. The process of democratization is long, complex, and frustrating, but dictatorships alter the course of establishing strong democratic institutions that may take years to rebuild. In Nepal, at its present historical precipice, an unwavering commitment to democracy is more necessary than ever. Commit ourselves to the rule of law and democratic governance today and we set historic precedence for tomorrow.

At a time when Nepal has broken the chain of anachronistic governance it’s ridiculous to assume that one person has the answers to all its problems. Nepal has never been this educated or young or full of promise and to give the reign of governance to one unquestionable benevolent dictator is a boring prospect. This is a time for people to involve themselves in shaping the future of the country through art, through music, through discussion, through entrepreneurship, through politics; the “good of the country” is in promoting liberty not in chocking it.

This cult for a “savior” is not unique to Nepal alone. A little internet research and its advocates can be found all over the globe from the United States to Nigeria -thankfully in the minority. In a May, 2010 article for the Express Tribune’s Rubina Saigol exposes the misplaced belief in this oxymoronic title by looking at the four saviors in Pakistan’s history: Ayub Khan, Yahya Khan, General Zia, and Pervez Musharraf.  Of the last one she comments “…fourth savior was hailed and welcomed as a liberal democrat by a naïve civil society, a clueless donor community and a misguided intelligentsia.” A similar naivety lurks within the Nepali civil society.

Our political leaders, and parties are at the zenith of incompetence. They represent fixed short term interests, instead of a long term visions demanded by the Nepali people. Their failure to produce a satisfactory document (or any document for that matter) in the 4 years they were given is a blotch on our democratic aspiration. And it’s justifiably difficult to be optimistic about our political future. But the solution cannot be cowering in front of one person to guide this diverse country at such a historical period.

Make no mistake most people supporting this idea of a “benevolent dictator” pretend to be liberals. Not radical Maoists or absolute monarchists. These are people who otherwise advocate a strong liberty of conciseness and association. The internet is littered with them, and they dole out their misplaced opinion to anyone who cares to listen. Many do. As a citizens of an aspiring democracy kudos to them for adding to the debate. However, what they say is nothing more than pseudo-intellectual blabber and people need to remind themselves of its false seduction.

A version of this article was published in Republica. Please click here. 

What would Dr. Ambedkar do? 

Slip of the Pen highly condemns the Indian Parliament's efforts to censor an 11th standard text book by the National Council of Educational Research titled "Constitution, why and how".

The book contains a cartoon, first published in 1949 by Shankar Pillai (see below), that shows Dr. Ambedkar on a snail with a whip in his hand, followed by Nehru with another whip in his hand. The cartoon was mocking the slow progress of the constitution.

 How is this an insult to Dr.Ambedkar?

I understand people have a propensity to make Gods of men, but that doesn't change the fact that Dr. Ambedkar was a man, and man hopefully with a sense of humor.

The brilliance of Indian constitution is that it allows for  free speech, and banning a cartoon that pulls the leg of its architect does disservice to the document and democracy. 

There is a big portion of Nepal that DOES want federalism on ethnic lines--What do we tell them? 

While the talk about moving beyond identity politics brings me to tears..... What? It really does. It's emotional appeal misses the point. Identity politics is a reality. I hope it wasn't, but it is. Forget all the normative mumbo-jumbo for a while. There is a big portion of Nepal that DOES want federalism on ethnic lines, and denying them that so close to the formation of the constitution is bound to have repercussions.  Who did what, when and why can we discussed later and appropriately punished at the voting booth; right now it's more important to find a middle ground.

Here is what I think. The ethnic minorities demand that their culture and language gets promoted. Agreed. That must be done. It's high time we move beyond what we have always thought of as a singular Nepali narrative to construct a more inclusive definition of Nepal. Unity through diversity.

Next, they want a propositional representation (PR) in elected bodies. That too sounds fair. PR works best for both minorities as well as the majority.

Next, they want preferential rights in their ethnic state. This is where it gets tricky. Preferential right is a euphemistic term and a gateway (I hate that word) for discrimination. Propositional representation should ensure that the rights of the majority are safeguarded, while not discriminating against the minority....having both is like having your cake and eating it too. Unfair.

Next, come the the questions of economic viability and the name of the state. Regarding the former: any person who can think beyond tomorrow will agree that just having states for the sake of saying "i have a state" is idiotic. You want a state because you think people in the region can prosper. Economic viability of the state in its self and its impact on the larger nation-state must be an important factor. Any state -ethnic or otherwise- not formed on the bases of economic viability is short sighted.

Regarding the latter: we all agree names are important but in the sprite of solidarity can we not keep such ethnocentric names. How about names of landmarks, or rivers, or more neutral names?

There is a problem, I think we all can acknowledge that. What's the solution? And remember their is significant portion of the population that has been hopefully expecting that which you do not want. However, some things are non negotiable: This country will not tolerate separatist movements, and disintegration. And we will not compromise on that!  

Why Disagreement is a Good Thing?

As a person who seeks out debates I feel rather cheated when they end with a weak appeal to relativism. It often happens after ideas are exchanged, wit applied, and vocal chords stretched that the convincee shams away by offering “We both are right. It’s my opinion so it’s true for me but may not be true for you, so there no point in challenging each other’s truth” or a variation of this relativistic blabber. And the mood plummets. This relativistic dung is uttered with firm conviction that by not challenging each other’s beliefs we aid the spread of tolerance in the world. They couldn’t be more wrong. 

Having an opinion is admirable. Acquiring knowledge to form an opinion is the very point of an education, some might argue of life, but –and here comes the obvious –just because I have one does not make it true. Faith and belief is no proof of infallibility and must not be excused from the inquisition of logic and reasoning. Radical Muslims share the opinion that infidels must be killed for the establishment of an Islamic world; must we, then, acknowledge the infallibility of this intellectual garbage just because it’s “true for them”?  Are people who believe in the antiquated ideas of female genital mutilation and Bal Bhiva as “right” as us who don’t? Should we not disagree with them?    

It is precisely because no belief should be left unchallenged that freedom to dissent must not be compromised.

 It was Rosa Luxemburg who pointed out “Freedom is always the freedom of the one who thinks differently”. There is no point (or fun) in only letting people who agree with each other speak; those who disagree must be free and protected to do so.  

Throughout the world, throughout the ages, dissenters have battled arrogance of conformity armed with a pen and powered by wit and they’ve suffered: books have been banned, thoughts censored, lives threatened and lost. This suffering of freedom is proof that disagreement is daunting for those who wish to impose a singular, unchallenged, truth on society. It’s that fear that forced Gyanendra Shah to censor the press, the Ayatollah to issue a fatwa against Rushdie; Galileo to write the pro forma renunciation; and the Spanish Inquisition to burn the Quran and the list goes on. 

When a bunch of Muslim thugs forced the (secular) Indian government to ban The Satanic Verses the cowardly excuse offered was that the book hurt minority sentiments and could incite violence. They offered the same excuse -unofficially of course -during last year’s Jaipur Literature Festival. When MF Hussein was banished from India by Hindu crazies for his depiction of a naked goddess the same lame excuses were given. Doesn’t that seem odd? Odd, because it wasn’t Rushdie or Hussein that incited violence; they were the victims of it. Yet, Rushdie and Hussein, who were expressing themselves, suffered the consequences and humiliation of having to live undercover lives.  

Many Muslim protested the distasteful cartoons mocking Muhammad and they had the right to do so (not with impunity if they broke laws), however for them to say that some non-Muslim cartoonist in Denmark should be stopped from drawing them is ridiculous. They don’t have to see or draw the cartoons if they so choose, but coercing the rest of us to accept their lead into the pits of self-censorship is intolerable. “Ban the cartoons and behead the cartoonist”, cried some in their silly radical voices, “or we’ll make life hell for people who had nothing to do with it.” And many governments politically pissed their pants. 

Closer to home our own (pending) constitution, it seems, will be a victim to this fake security. If the interim constitution or the ones before that are benchmarks than the possibility to a constricted freedom of expression is looming.  As of now, Article 12, section 3, subsection (a) provides every citizen with the freedom of opinion and expression.  Provided that, it goes on to say, nothing in sub-clause (a) shall be deemed to prevent the making of laws to impose reasonable restriction on any act which…may jeopardize the harmonious relations...or any act which may be contrary to public behavior or morality( emphasis added).  So, what this says is: you may say what you like and hear what you want, but we will ban and censor what we want if we feel it’s reasonable to do so. Tell me dear readers, what is this parameter of reasonableness? Which court, which judge, which minister, and under what circumstance, can tell you what they think is reasonable for you to hear? Who is capable of judging the standards of public morality and what appropriate behavior is? 

A conversation with a friend who owns a book shop helped illuminate the nature of censorship in Nepal. Our government is not too eager in “official” censorship, so in a perverse delegation of responsibility it relies on self-censorship by publishers who do not want to risk losses.  Another non-official way of banning books in Nepal is through India. For example: Salman Rushdie’s The Satanic Verses and Taslima Nasrin’s Lajja are wholly or partially banned in India so by proxy it’s unavailable in Nepal. During the Panchayat days issues of Newsweek and Times magazine critical of the government were banned at customs, so too were Communist literature. It’s no coincidence that the once ubiquitous Free Tibet merchandise is no more to be found in book stores. 

Talking about the Taliban, the essayist and pugnacious defender of freedom of expression, Christopher Hichens wrote: “they allowed the existence of prose and poetry only to the extent of the enforced recitation of one book, but all music they forbade.” Imagine the claustrophobia. And now imagine yourself in the middle of it. This is what happens when “truth” is left unconfronted. A misplaced sense of tolerance breeds intellectual sloth and that, dear readers, is a dreadful sin.



A version of this article appeared in Wave magazines, May 2012 issue. Please click link.

I own none of the Videos or the image used. Please check the Youtube video source for more detail. 

Down with women chauvinism!

"Why can't a man be more like a woman" asks a friend of mine, as she whines about how her ex-boy friend has the emotional intelligence of a door knob. I sit back, and continue to sip tea. She then blabbers something about men being hyper sexual- emotionally retarded -hairy imbeciles. This irritates me "Okay, that's it girlie, you've gone too far! I will not sit back and see you stereotype my gender is such an unfair and ridiculous manner. Your generalization is pathetic!" I want to say, but don't. It wasn't the right time.

So, in an ironic twist of things I find myself writing about the criminalization of manliness for a women special issue of this magazine. But it is a discussion that needs to be had.

Any reasonable person will agree that women empowerment is vital to a healthy society. Statistics on how educated mothers have a positive multiplier effect on the community is no longer debatable. You cannot 'make the world a better place' by unjustly limiting half its population from fulfilling their potential. The need to appreciate women for their personhood has taken gigantic steps worldwide, yet more needs to be done. Child marriage, gender discrimination in the workplace, lack of access to health and violence are but few of the problems that ail women and need to be addressed with all seriousness. No arguments there.

The feminist movement has done miracles in empowering women and demanding equality with men. Over the last couple of decades (with arrival of 'third wave feminism') women have been striving to be assertive about their own sexuality-take ownership of it. Advice that tells women to act like men and not be so stereotypically girly is archaic. There is a growing re-acknowledgement of the differences between men and women, and an understanding that difference does not mean unequal. Women are taking ownership of stereotypes to celebrate their womanhood. And more power to them. However, my beef with the feminist movement is- intentionally or unintentionally- it stays silent during the persecution of men. It gives a pseudo-authorization for harassing masculinity. Its narrative of gender issue is so one-sided that women take what they want and leave men short-changed. I shall elaborate.

If generalization is wrong then it must to be wrong for both sexes. Yet, it's a social blasphemy to herd women into the shed of generalization, but it's okay to do so with men. Say "Women are such bitches" in public and radical feminists will call for your castration. Say "Men are such assholes" and you get nodding heads and laughter. Does that sound fair?

Women are encouraged to celebrate their sexuality but when men do the same evolution is questioned and concerns about our hidden animalistic nature are expressed. Men suffer from the contradictory roles society expects. On one hand men are expected to act calm under stress, not be afraid of danger, kill wanton insects, and act chivalrous while on the other, manly things are to be avoided. Male camaraderie through aggressive competition is discouraged. What was once a noble exercise of wit and passion is shunned for the fear of being mistaken for a fight. If a man chooses to keep his emotions to himself, make light-hearted quip about romance or spend a day watching a football game with his mates he's branded as an emotional retard who has no feelings what so ever.

Society is far more lenient towards women who do the stereotypically manly things when compared to when men do the stereotypically female activities. The roles society has heaped on us can be flaunted by women under thunderous applause, but it's a big no-no for men to do so. Women have a choice in defining their sexuality while men are bound by their gender- and here lies all the difference. Society comes to the defense of the woman's right to choose. The options for men are disposable.

Another contradiction in the roles assigned to men is that we are expected, in times of adversity, to act like heroes, while simultaneously being branded as 'potential rapists'. We (speaking on behalf of most of my sex) find this accusation disgusting!  We will not we treated as creatures to be wary off, something to avoid at night. We put our foot down. And if this continues start killing your own damned cockroaches!

At the institutional level as well, men continue to be discriminated against. Adoption rights, divorce laws, laws regarding domestic violence are all tilted in favor of women. Domestic violence against women when brought to the limelight gets all the deserved sympathy and legal protection; domestic violence against men (yes, it exists) is dismissed as a joke.

While rape is a horrendous crime and deserves to be punished by the most severe of laws, cases of false accusation don't do society any favors. A man who has been accused of rape is shunned by society and there are no laws protecting him from discrimination. Take the recent example of the former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn. O how the mighty fell!

Society needs to re-think some of the gender issues. I don't support women empowerment because I want to replace men chauvinism with women chauvinism; I support it because we can create a better world for both girls and boys by teaching them the truth about being a woman and being a man.

Having strong, independent and intelligent women in society, necessary though it is, cannot replace strong, independent and intelligent men. They must complement each other. Let's emphasize femininity for its own sake, and not as a revenge for masculinity.

Written for March Issue of Wave magazine

Thoughts on Valentines Day!

Romantic love is perhaps the greatest reward of human evolution. It is one of the finer survival mechanisms we have developed as a species. Scientific research into how our mind transforms when we are “in love” has helped luminate the chemical complexity behind it all. Love is made possible by a romantic coordination of the visual, auditory, olfactory, tactile, and neurochemical processes. Contrary to the insufferable saying “Love is blind” love it seems has a wonderful eyesight and is far from being deaf or crazy or mute.

Whatever your presumed reason for falling in love maybe, it derives its motivation by the human instincts to procreate. The true tragedy of human love is that even though we have an insatiable desire to mate, we want to mate with only those partners we think will give us genetically strong offspring. Therefore begins the process of sniffing, tasting, and eyeing our partners out. You are not with your partner for no reason; there is a fascinating evolutionary story that’s took millions of year to perfect that has led you two to hook up.

Since the early Homo sapiens love has been part of our societal interactions. We have relied of the same chemicals to produce the same emotion to fulfill some of the same tasks regardless of the time and space of our existence. Love over millenniums has not altered, however the ways in which we express it have.

Human have always relied on symbols. Symbols help us express the intangible. Look around, you are surrounded by symbols: symbols of God, of bravery, of good old times. We do the same with love. The way people symbolize love has differentiated along cultural and chronological lines but all ages and all races have done so. When Shah Jahan had the Taj Mahal built he was symbolizing love. Writing extravagant poetry for your partner is an expression of love. Buying diamonds- that last forever- is also a symbol of love.

The symbols and the ways of expressing love are dynamic. In the past lovers had to be creative in conveying their feelings. They could not rely on mass produced goods to come to their aid. The select few who could write wrote poems, letters, and songs for the sake of amour. And the many that couldn’t, used subtle ways of expressing it. Over the years the symbolisms altered- alas for the worse. In our economic age love became commodified. The symbols were hijacked. The urge to be creative stifled by mass production. The subtle art of expressing love tattered by the constant bombardment of images that told us we must do something or give something when in love.

The mundane nature of modern life finds relief in the magic of mass communication. Movies and advertisements that provide an escape also tell us how to feel and what to do with those feelings. People in love are forced to undergo what sociologist Arlie Hochschild termed “emotional labor”: a form of emotional regulation wherein people are expected to display certain emotions in certain circumstances. The necessity to act a certain way when in love had gripped our thinking. But how do we act this love out?

We know we have to express love but we find ourselves caught between the unexciting expressions our economic age and the clichéd expressions of a past era. So most of us raise our hands in surrender to corporation and ask them to convey our most private yearnings through mass produced symbols. We give cards, and gifts and go out for drives and dates because that is what lover do. And if you don’t, well then there must be something wrong with you.

Isn’t that sad? Does that not make you angry? A thousand years from now when people look back at our time and ask how we expressed love, they’ll find that all of us gave teddy bears to each other and went to eat in a fancy restaurant on the February 14 every year. How boring is that!

I am no love guru to give advice on how to go about your intimate life but as a matter of common sense I can say this: Even though love is grand its best expressed with humility. You don’t need to be a poet to tell your partner how much they are appreciated. Neither do you need Valentine’s Day nor songs or chocolates or hearts or stuffed animals or cards or dates or movies or even words. If your chemicals are working then love can be expressed through the most basic of human actions on the most ordinary of days.

So don’t let a chubby Roman God flying half naked with a bow and arrow dictate your reaction to this fundamental human emotion. If you don’t get a gift this Valentine’s don’t despair, maybe your partner is trying express it in a more subtle ways. After all, humans have expressed love without commercializing it for millenniums and I am certain we are capable of doing the same this Valentines.

Written for Wave Magazine's February, 2012 issue.